JOKE EMAIL

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CONTENTS
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• The Starter
• General Jokes
• Childrens Jokes
• Sexist Jokes
• Yo Mama Jokes
• You Know You're Jokes

*=- General Jokes:
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**An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home.
When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.
He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting,
"So, you've been out drinking again!!"
"What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on an innocent look.
"The pub called -- you left your wheelchair there again."


**An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front porch, reflecting on her long life, when--all of a sudden--a fairy godmother appears in front of her and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.
"Well, now," says the old lady, "I guess I would like to be really rich." POOF - her rocking chair turns to solid gold.
"And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess."
POOF - she turns into a beautiful young woman.
"Your third wish?" asks the fairy godmother.
Just then the old woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of them.
"Ooh--can you change him into a handsome prince?" she asks.
POOF - there before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine.
She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak, he saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear:
"Bet you're sorry you had me neutered."


**A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.
"Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeeemer!!!" he whined.
"You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!" retorted the officer. "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!"
"Oh my god...", replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was.
"Where's my Rolex???!!!!"


**There's this guy in a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half-an-hour. Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying.
The truck driver says: "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't see a man crying."
"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life.
First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outraged, fires me. When I leave the building to go to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police, they say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave the cab, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar.
And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison..."

*=- Childrens Jokes:
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** What is yellow and goes up and down at 1000 mph? - A banana in a space shuttle!!

** What did the robot say to his girlfriend? - I love you watts and watts!!

** What is the best way to count cows? - With a cow-culator!!!

*=- Sexist Jokes:
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A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.
In the middle of the night the woman leans over, wakes the man and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket."
The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea ... just for tonight, let's pretend we're married"
The woman thinks for a moment. "Why not", she giggles.
"Great!", he replies, "Get your own DAMN blanket!"

*=- Yo Mama Jokes:
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**Yo Mama is so ugly she went to the Ugly Contest and the scouts said no professionals!

**Yo Mama's teeth is so yellow she put the sun out of business!

**Yo Mama is so poor that I saw a red wagon and as I rode down the street she said "Hey, come back with our family car"!

**Yo Mama is so fat that when she was the only working for the Pharoah, Moses came and said "Let all my people go" !

**Yo Mama is so fat that when God said "Let there be light" he said "Hey you. Move out of the way"!!!

**Yo Mama is so ugly that they have to tie a T-Bone steak around her neck for the dog to play with her!!

**Yo Mama is so stupid she locked herself in a grocery store and starved to death!!

Thanks to ALewis4220 for the above jokes!!!

*=- You Know You're Jokes:
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Top 10 ways you know you're in America:

1. Only in America...do people consider it an honour to be humiliated on a daytime talk show ..
2. Only in America... do people actually watch daytime talk shows ..
3. Only in America...do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke...
4. Only in America...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters...
5. Only in America...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the garage...
6. Only in America...do they use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so they won't miss a call from someone they didn't want to talk to in the first place...
7. Only in America...do they buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight...
8. Only in America...do we use the word "politics" to describe the process so well: "Poli" in latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "blood-sucking creatures"...
9. Only in America...are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink...
10. Only in America...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance...