JOKE EMAIL

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CONTENTS
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• The Starter
• General Jokes
• Animal Jokes
• Childrens Jokes
• Religious Jokes
• You Know You're Jokes
• Totally Tasteless Jokes

*=- General Jokes:
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** The Church is still looking for a Bell-Ringer after the tragic death of the armless bell-ringer....
After interviewing several more people the bishop was about to give up when another armless man banged on the door with his head , the newspaper ad firmly clenched between his teeth. The bishop removed the slip of paper and the man was able to tell him that his armless twin brother had applied the day before and met with an accident.
Afraid of what could happen the bishop began to object but to no avail. "Give me one chance please....."
He then began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon.
Suddenly, while rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below. The stunned bishop immediately rushed down the stairways. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?"
"I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied, "but his a dead ringer for his brother."


An oldey but a goodey... **Question : How many UseNet junkies does it take to change a light bulb?
Answer: 1,331:

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.
27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs.
53 to flame the spell checkers
156 to write to IP administrators complaining about the light bulb discussion and its inappropriateness to this group.
41 to correct spelling in the spelling/grammar flames.
109 to post that this group is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to alt.lite.bulb
203 to demand that cross posting to alt.grammar, alt.spelling and alt.punctuation about changing light bulbs be stopped.
111 to defend the posting to this group saying that we are all use light bulbs and therefore the posts **are** relevant to this mail list.
306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique, and what brands are faulty.
27 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs
14 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly, and to post corrected URLs.
3 to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group.
33 to quote all posts to date, including all headers and footers, and then add "Me Too."
12 to post to the group that they are leaving because they cannot handle the light bulb controversey.
19 to quote the "Me Too's" to say, "Me Three."
47 to say this is just what alt.physic.cold_fusion was meant for, leave it here.
4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ.
1 to propose new alt.change.lite.bulb newsgroup.
143 votes for alt.lite.bulb.


**A man decided that he was going to ride a 10-speed bike from Phoenix to Flagstaff. He got as far as Black Canyon City before the mountains just became too much and he could go no farther.
He stuck his thumb out, but after 3 hours hadn't gotten a single person to stop. Finally, a guy in a Corvette pulled over and offered him a ride. Of course, the bike wouldn't fit in the car. The owner of the Corvette found a piece of rope lying by the highway and tied it to his bumper. He tied the other end to the bike and told the man that if he was going too fast, to honk the horn on his bike and that he would slow down.
Everything went fine for the first 30 miles. Suddenly, another Corvette blew past them. Not to be out done, the Corvette pulling the bike took off after the other. A short distance down the road, the Corvettes, both going well over 120 MPH, blew through a speed trap.
The police officer noted the speeds from his radar gun and radioed to the other officer that he had two Corvettes headed his way at over 120 MPH. He then relayed, "...and you're not going to believe this, but there's guy on a 10 speed bike honking to pass."


**A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him. "Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who just died recently." "I'm very sorry," replied the young man, "is there anything I can do for you?" "Yes," she said, "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye, Mother!' ? It would make me feel so much better." "Sure," answered the young man. As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye, Mother!" As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50.
"How can that be?" he asked, "I only purchased a few things!
" "Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk.

*=- Animal Jokes:
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**A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking it the monkey jumps around all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
The guy says, "No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!!", says the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the patron. "He eats everything in sight. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.
Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around again.
While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?", he asks.
"Now what?", responds the patron.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it outand ate it!!", says the barkeeper.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that cue ball he measures everything first!!!"

*=- Childrens Jokes:
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**What happened when the cow jumped over the Moon? - The price of milk rocketed!

**How did Frankenstein make his monster laugh? - He had him in stitches!!

**What swim in Space? - Starfish!!

**What stars go to prison? - Shooting Stars!!

*=- Religious Jokes:
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**As a young man, Norton was an exceptional golfer. At the age of 26, however, he decided to become a priest, and joined a rather peculiar Order. He took the usual vows of poverty, chastity, but his Order also required that he quit golf and never play again. This was particularly difficult for Norton, but he agreed and was finally ordained a priest.
One Sunday morning, the Reverend Father Norton woke up and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf.
So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to say Mass for him that day. As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish.
Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church! At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?"
The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not." Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. It WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE! St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?"
The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?"


**A priest and his assistant are playing golf (again!) when the priest pitches to within 6 feet of the pin. They get to the ball and the Priest putts the ball past the hole.
"Damn, missed the bugger!" exclaims the Priest. "You aren't allowed to say that Priest" says his assistant, "God will not be happy".
So they get to the next hole, and the Priest pitches to within 2 feet of the hole. He gets to the ball, but misses the easy putt again.
"Damn, missed the bugger" he says again. The assistant is 2 feet away from the Priest, and once again tells the Priest, "God will not be happy".
Suddenly, a bolt of lightening strikes the assistant dead. God is watching on - "Damn missed the bugger" he says!!!

*=- You Know You're Jokes:
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Top 10 ways to know if you're a Norfolk Boyo... (bit like a Redneck for all U.S. readers)

• 10) You have massive ears.
• 9) You find the smell of fresh manure intoxicating.
• 8) You are almost completely covered in body hair...
• 7) .. except for your head.
• 6) You're only mode of transport is tractor.
• 5) Your friends all look very similar to you in appearance.
• 4) You seem to be attracted to the animals on your farm, as you go weeks without seeing anyone normal.
• 3) You're fingers seem to be longer than everyone elses.
• 2) You win dates with your sister on game shows.

• 1) Your face just isn't symmetrical..

*=- Totally Tasteless Jokes:
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Yesterday I was driving through one of the northern suburbs when I noticed a small crowd watching something. I slowed down and when I got close enough to see what was going on, I nearly froze: Three men were attacking an elderly lady and everybody was watching without doing anything!
I stopped and grabbed the 4foot metal crow bar from under the seat and stormed at the scene.
The crowd saw me coming and quickly made way so that I could get to the action.
Man, when I got there you should have seen how we really demolished that ugly old lady!!