JOKE EMAIL

============
CONTENTS
============

• The Starter
• General Jokes
• Litle Johnnie Jokes
• Childrens Jokes
• Political Jokes
• Confucious Jokes
• You Know You're Jokes

*=- General Jokes:
######################

**The 5 stages of drunkenness......

Stage 1 - SMART This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known Universe. You know you know everything and want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always RIGHT. And of course the person you are talking to is very WRONG. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are SMART.

Stage 2 - GOOD LOOKING This is when you realize that you are the BEST LOOKING person in the entire bar and that people fancy you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still SMART, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun.

Stage 3 - RICH This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armored truck full of money parked behind the bar. You can also make bets at this stage, because of course, you are still SMART, so naturally you win all your bets. It doesn't matter how much you bet 'cos you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because now you are the BEST LOOKING person in the world.

Stage 4 - BULLET PROOF You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because nothing can hurt you. At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge to a battle of wits or money. You have no fear of losing this battle because you are SMART, you are RICH and hell, you're BETTER LOOKING than they are anyway!

Stage 5 - INVISIBLE This is the Final Stage of Drunkenness. At this point you can do anything because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU. You dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You are also invisible to the person who wants to fight you. You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you're still SMART you know all the words.


**After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process.
After observing while several applicants demonstrated their skills, he decided to call it a day. Just then a lone, armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job.
The bishop was astounded. "You have no arms!" he said.
"No matter," said the man, "observe!" He then began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon.
The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced that he had finally found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo. Suddenly, while rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below.
The stunned bishop immediately rushed down the stairways. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?"
"I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied, "but his face rings a bell."

*=- Little Johnnie Jokes:
######################

** On the last day of term, all the children brought presents for their teacher. The florist's son handed the teacher a gift. She shook it, held it up and said, "I bet I know what it is - it's some flowers!" "That's right!" shouted the little boy.
Then the candy store owner's daughter handed the teacher a gift She held it up, shook it and said. "I bet I know what it is - it's a box of candy!" "That's right!" shouted the little girl.
The next gift was from Little Johnnie, the liquor store owner's son. The teacher held it up and saw that it was leaking. She touched a drop with her finger and tasted it.
"Is it wine Johnnie?" she asked.
"No," Johnnie answered. The teacher touched another drop to her tongue.
"Is it champagne?" she asked.
"No," again little Johnnie replied.
Finally, the teacher said, "I give up. What is it?"
Little Johnnie replied, "A puppy!"

*=- Childrens Jokes:
######################

* Which is better for you to eat? A cow or a star? - The star as it's METEOR!!!

* How do you arrange a trip to the moon? - Plan-et!!!

Secretary - "The invisble man's here to see you, Doctor"
Doctor - "Tell him I can't see him right now"!!

*=- Political Jokes:
######################

** After the surprise resignation of the a certain Welsh Secretary, the Police are on the look out for the three people who attacked him. Apparently they are looking for a Policeman; a leather-clad motorcyclist; and an Indian Chief.!!

*=- Confucious Jokes:
######################

• "Man who run behind car get exhausted."
• "To prevent hangover, stay drunk."
• "Man who eats many prunes get good run for money."
• "Baseball is wrong. Man with four balls cannot walk!"
• "War doesn't determine who's right. War determines who's left."
• "Man who eat many prunes, sit on toilet for many moons."
• "Man who drive like hell, bound to get there!"
• "Man who stand on toilet is high on pot!"
• "Man who lives in glass house should change in basement."
• "People who make Confucious joke speak bad English."

*=- You Know You're Jokes:
######################

Top 10 ways to know if you're a Redneck Jedi...

• 10) At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored.
• 9) You have bantha horns on the front of your land speeder.
• 8) You have ever had an X-wing up on blocks in your yard.
• 7) You ever lost a hand during a light saber fight because you had to spit.
• 6) You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial.
• 5) In your opinion, that Darth Vader fellow just "ain't right."
• 4) Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.
• 3) You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with red wood deck
• 2) You ever fell in love with your sister.

• 1) You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window.