JOKE EMAIL

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CONTENTS
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• The Starter
• General Jokes
• Halloween Jokes
• Topical Jokes
• Little Johnnie Jokes
• Sexist Jokes
• Childrens Jokes

*=- General Jokes:
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** The phone rings at KGB headquarters. They answer: "Hello?"
"Hello, is this KGB?"
"Yes. What do you want?"
"I'm calling to report my neighbor Yankel Rabinovitz as an enemy of the State. He is hiding undeclared diamonds in his firewood."
"This will be noted."
Next day, the KGB goons come over to Rabinovitz's house.They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, find no diamonds, swear at Yankel Rabinovitz and leave. The phone rings at Rabinovitz's house. He answers, "Hello."
"Hello, Yankel! Did the KGB come?"
"Yes."
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yes, they did."
"Okay, now it's your turn to call. I need my vegetable patch ploughed."

** Two aliens sitting in a bar having a few drinks. The one then turns to his mate and says "Wka tjia prrit mna shfom?".
To which his friend replies "Shut up, you're hammered again!"

** A fellow had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech corporation. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three numbered envelopes. "Open these if you run up against a problem you don't think you can solve," he said.
Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a downturn and he was really catching a lot of heat. About at his wit's end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message read, "Blame your predecessor." The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press -- and Wall Street -- responded positively, sales began to pick up and the problem was soon behind him.
About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize." This he did, and the company quickly rebounded.
After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times. The CEO went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope. The message said, "Prepare three envelopes."

Q. What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?
A. A bad golfer goes, WHACK! "Damn." A bad skydiver goes, "Damn." WHACK!

Q. Did you hear about the dyslexic atheist?
A. He didn't believe in dog.

Q. Did you hear about the dyslexic satanist?
A. He sold his soul to Santa

*=- Halloween Jokes:
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* What's a cold, evil candle called? - The wicked wick of the north.!

* Why wasn't the vampire working? - He was on his coffin break.!

* What's a ghoul's favorite breakfast cereal? - Rice Creepies.!

* What's a vampire's favorite feast? - Fangsgiving Day dinner.!

* What do little trees say on Halloween? - Twig or treat.!

* What do goblins mail home while on vacation? - Ghostcards.!

* Why did the vampire need mouthwash? - She had bat breath.!

* What's fast food to a vampire? - A guy with really high blood pressure!

* Why don't vamps like Red Cross? - They can't stand the competition!

*=- Topical Jokes:
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** Have you heard about the popular children's show Blue Peter's name change in the wake of Richard Bacon's cocaine-taking?
- It's now called White Charlie!!

*=- Little Johnnie Jokes:
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** Johnny, where's your homework?" Miss Martin said sternly to the little boy while holding out her hand.
"My dog ate it," was his solemn response.
"Johnny, I've been a teacher for eighteen years. Do you really expect me to believe that?"
"It's true, Miss Martin, I swear," insisted Johnny.
"I had to force him, but he ate it!"

*=- Sexist Jokes:
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** Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a BMW328) along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys.
Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident.
Who was the survivor?

ANSWER...
The perfect woman. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.


Q. Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than to improving their minds?
A. Because most men are stupid, but few are blind.


** A Boeing jet, flying at 35000 feet over the Atlantic runs into a terrible storm. Thunder, lightening and high winds toss the big plane around the sky. The passengers are scared!! One woman in particular is about the lose it.
Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane shouting "I'm too young to die!" Then she yells, well if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable. In my entire life, no one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well, I've had it!! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN??
For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.
Then a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman," he said He's gorgeous. Tall, built, with jet black hair and the bluest eyes, he slowly starts to walk up the isle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves. The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the strange man approaches.
He removes his shirt, muscle ripple across his chest and extends the shirt to the trembling woman and whispers...
"Iron this"

*=- Childrens Jokes:
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* What is better than presence of mind when a Martian aims his Laser Gun at you? - Absence of body!

* What did the math book say to the other math book, man I got a lot of problems!

* Why did the King Kong climb the Empire State Building? - To catch a plane!

*Why did the tomato turn red? - Because it saw the salad dressing.!


* What did one ghost tell the other? - Don't spooke until you are spooken to.!