JOKE EMAIL

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CONTENTS
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• Jokes to use on ENEMIES
• Childrens Jokes
• General Jokes
• Clinton Jokes

*=-Jokes to use on ENEMIES
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With this joke insert an attribute between the (( and )) such as ugly, stupid, worst lover etc..
so the last man/woman in the joke thinks they are the ugliest, stupidest, worst lover in the Universe, but then your enemy's name has to be inserted at the end to imply that they appeared in the crystal ball, and that they are really the ugliest, worst lover etc...
One final thing; make sure if the intended victim is a woman, the final person is a woman who thinks she is the ugliest, stupidest etc..
Here's the joke..

A small dwarf meets a young wizard one day whilst out walking.
"Wizard?" asks, "how can I tell if I'm the shortest dwarf in the Universe?" "Well," says the Wizard, "you must go and see the Grand Wizard, he will tell you. Take the left at the crossroads, and follow the path to his cave." So the small dwarf sets off, determined to find out if he is the smallest dwarf in the Universe. Eventually, he reaches the cave and asks the Grand Wizard if he is the smallest.
"Wait a moment." says the Grand Wizard, "I must look into my crystal ball" They both gaze into the crystal ball, and slowly an image and a name appear. "Yes, you are the smallest." states the Grand Wizard, and the overjoyed dwarf leaves.
A fat man then hears about the Grand Wizard, and goes to see him to see if he's the fattest person in the whole Universe. Eventually he finds his way to the cave of the Grand Wizard, and asks him if he's the fattest. "Wait a moment." says the Grand Wizard, "I must look into my crystal ball" They both gaze into the crystal ball, and slowly an image and a name appear. "Yes, you are the fattest." states the Grand Wizard, and the overjoyed man leaves... slowly.
A really ((insert attribute, eg stupid, crap lover, ugly etc..)) man then hears about the Grand Wizard, and goes to see him to see if he's the ((insert attribute, eg stupidest, crappest lover, ugliest etc..)) person in the whole Universe. Eventually he finds his way to the cave of the Grand Wizard, and asks him if he's the ((insert same attribute, eg stupidest, crappest lover, ugliest etc..)).
"Wait a moment." says the Grand Wizard, "I must look into my crystal ball"
They both gaze into the crystal ball, and slowly an image and a name appear.
"So who's this ((Enemies NAME)) then?!!!!"

*=-Childrens Jokes:
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Who didn't invent the aeroplane? - The WRONG brothers!

What's long and orange and flies at the speed of sound? - A jet-propelled carrot

What do you call an astronauts watch? - A lunar-tick

*=-General Jokes:
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An Welshman, an Irishman, and Sharon Stone, are sitting close to each other in a train. The train enters a tunnel and the lights go out. There is a kissing noise, followed by the sound of a slap. The lights return, and the Englishman is rubbing his now red cheek. Sharon Stone was thinking "The Welshman must've tried to kiss the Irishman, and he got a slap from the Irishman". The Welshman was thinking "The Irishman must've tried to kiss Sharon Stone, she went to slap him, but missed and got me..."
And the Irishman was thinking "This is great! Everytime we go into a tunnel, I just make kissing noises, and I get to hit a Welshman!!"
- from M.Irwin 4th Sept


Four married guys go golfing. During the 4th hole the following conversation began:
First Guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. The wife made me promise that'll paint every room in the house next weekend."
Second Guy: "That's nothing. My wife made me promise that I'd build her a new deck for the pool."
Third Guy: "Man, you both have it easy! My wife made me promise that I'd rebuilt the entire kitchen for her next weekend."
After the three men have taken their goes, they realise that the fourth guy has not said a word. "So what's the deal? What did you have to promise to do to be able to come golfing this weekend?
Fourth Guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30am. After the alarm wakes me up, I shut it off, give the wife a nudge and ask: "Golf Course or Intercourse?" And she says, "Wear your sweater."


Two Scottsmen, Angus and MacDougal, have grown up in the same village together. They were friends all their lives, married a pair of sisters, and lived just down the street from each other. But now, MacDougal has the cancer, and is lying on his deathbed, surrounded by his friends. He calls, "Angus, come 'ere Angus. I 'ave a request for ye." Angus walks to his friends bedside and kneels down. "Angus, we been friends all our lives, and now I'm dying 'ere. I 'ave one last request fir ye to do." Angus bursts into tears, "Anything MacDougal, anything ye wish. I'll do it."
"Well, under me bed is a box containing a bottle of the finest whiskey in all of Scotland. Bottled the year I was born, it was. After I die, and they plant me in the ground, I want you to pour that fine whiskey over me grave so it might soak into me bones and I'll be able to enjoy it for all eternity."
Angus is overcome by the beauty and true Scottish spirit of his friends request.
"Aye, tis a fine thing you ask of me McDougal, and I will pour the whiskey. But, might I strain it through me kidneys first?!"
- from D.Goode 27th August


A guy walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch. The bartender pours him the drink and the guy drinks it down in one. "Wow", says the bartender, "Something bad musta happened".
"I came home early today," answered the guy, "went up to the bedroom, and there was my wife having sex with my best friend." The bartender pours the dude another triple shot.
"This one's on the house". The guy gulps it down once again. The bartender asks
"Did you say anything to your wife ?" The guy answers "Yea, I walked up to her, told her we're through. Pack your bag's and get out, I told her !"
"What about your friend ?" asks the bartender.
"I looked him straight in the eye and said BAD DOG"
- from A.Hoyle 5th Sept


A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on his face and the egg is frowning.
"Well, I guess we answered THAT question..."


On a train from London to Manchester, an American was berating the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment. "You English are too stuffy.You set yourselves apart too much. You think your stiff upper lips make your above the rest of us. Look at me...I'm me, I have Italian blood, French blood, a little Indian blood, and some Swedish blood. What do you say to that?"
The Englishman replied, "Very sporting of your mother."

*=-Clinton Jokes:
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Monica Lewinsky, in a statement released today, in response to President Clinton's testimony:
"I have had enough. This whole experience has left a bitter taste in my mouth, and I can't stomach any more. I feel as if I am getting the shaft, that this ugly matter has come to a head and completely blown up in my face.This may be a load to handle, but when things are hard, that is when I am at my best. I have faced hard things in the past, and I know what is coming. I will meet the challenge the only way I know how: head-on. I have licked bigger things than this before, and I will again. No one will ever be able to say that Monica Lewinsky isn't a finisher, that she quit before the job was done. I will work nonstop and fight this, blow by blow, until I am wiped clean of this dirty affair. I will not be stained by it. Thank you."